Thursday, December 20, 2007
Saturday, December 15, 2007
He DID NOT talk about his usual topics...
- How he remembers everything about the day I was born.
- Feeding me tuna sandwiches and pickles when I was younger.
- How he is really good friends with _________ (insert politician or local celebrity).
He DID talk about...
- His kidney stones that he now collects, and I wasn't grossed out.
- Charleton Heston.
- Guns, and I wasn't totally offended.
- The new 12 ft Christmas tree.
- How big he is. An Indian couple that he met weigh the same combined as he does. He also has the same arm span as a gorilla. (Yes, this is like people who brag because they are tall.)
- Showed me pictures of his cars. I could have just as easily seen them in real life by looking outside or walking down to the garage.
Then he showed me this...
He went bungee jumping on his recent trip to New Zealand. Over a river. He showed me pictures and the DVD. It cost $350 Australian, but because he is over 65 they let him go for free. I almost exploded like a baby in the microwave out of excitement.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Salt Lake has some of the greatest finds. The downtown library is the best for this. Look at the ground. If you see a piece of paper that resembles trash then pick it up. You will find treasure more often than you think. These are two of my latest finds and I can't wait until I have a business card of my own to hand out or drop on the ground. What should it say? How much information should I put on it? Where do I get it printed on slick black paper with gold embossing? It looks very expensive. Very elegant. Very fancy. Very very. How do I get an exclamation point behind my job title? Do I need a Ph.D. or can anyone have an exclamation point on their business card?
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
2. I have terrible insomnia.
3. I get so bored that I just eat a lot after midnight, or 1, 0r 3am.
4. Sometimes I wake up in a pile of pretzels and edamame and I wonder where it came from.
5. I have an incredibly fast metabolism. Eating a lot puts it into high gear and sort of tricks me into being sleepy.
6. I never exercise. I use to like it and I have a gym pass for probably the next three years, but every time I go I feel like I'm going to be eaten alive from the stares and I run out after 10 minutes.
7. I should tell the gym I went on a mission and see if they will give me two years worth of credit.
8. I doubt I'll actually do this. I am lazy.
9. I am also a procrastinator. I procrastinate everything. EVERYTHING.
10. I even hold it as long as I possibly can to go to the restroom. Squeeze tighter, don't breath so hard. Okay I can make it another 30 minutes.
11. I wrecked Malibu Sue last month. She needs extensive cosmetic and medical surgery. Feel free to donate funds to the cause.
12. When Malibu Sue dies, God Bless her soul, I want to take her to a demolition derby. Then I will bury her in a plot adorning her name.
13. I never really liked my BYU experience. I never related with the people. They thought I came from a different planet and I the same of them.
14. I am sure I would have done far better and tried more in a different environment.
15. I miss my house in Provo. Sometimes I drive by it and miss it.
16. My house was dubbed the Crystal Palace because it was mostly white.
17. I don't call it that much because I'm worried someone will think that means it was a Crystal Meth Palace.
18. It wasn't. I've never touched Meth, but their commercials paint a good picture of me.
19. Meth users have erratic sleep patterns and mood swings. So do I but I have practically perfect skin, don't work at a gas station, and don't know how a crack pipe works.
20. When I was younger I announced that I was running away from home.
21. My dad told me they adopted me from cell block C-3 (a letter and number that have forever been burned into my memory).
22. I drove off on my big wheel in search of the purple walled room that I pictured I had come from, realized I had no idea where it was, and was back home within the hour.
23. I love sparkling water. I wish I had one in my hand at all times.
24. I also love clothes and spend re-damn-diculous amounts of money on them.
25. I need to move somewhere. I don't think there is anymore for Salt Lake to offer me. Suggestions are more than welcome.
26. I also need an incredible graphic design job.
27. I really think that I want to be an architect when I grow up.
28. Blue is my favorite color.
29. I just read the Toa Te Ching.
30. Now I am reading Bhagavad Gita.
31. Most people reading this post probably don't believe that I read.
32. Throughout most of High School and College I rented movies instead of reading the books. Voluntarily reading is a big step for me.
33. Once, in 10th grade I saw one of (rhymes with) Rammie Mocutt's quiz answers so I changed my answer to match hers and I got it wrong. I have never cheated since.
34. I have always been intimidated by her and her smarts.
35. I was voted to be Captain at the Christa Mcauliffe Space Center twice. Once on the class field trip and again for Space Camp. It was a very big deal.
36. I want to rent out the CMSpace Center and have my next birthday there. I would be Captain.
37. One of the aliens accidentally spit directly in my mouth because he was yelling so hard and I almost threw up.
38. Ernie is very messy. Bert is very clean. I've always identified more with Ernie.
39. Celebrities make regular appearances in my dreams at night.
40. I try to watch equal parts Entertainment television and CNN.
41. To date a politician has never made an appearance in my bed.
42. I hate the sound of vacuums.
43. I was voted most fashionable in High School.
44. I match my sock and underwear to my clothes.
45. I lose everything. Keys. Phones. Ipods. Clothes. My ID. My sanity. On a regular basis.
46. I visit perezhilton.com everyday.
47. I hate microwaves. They confuse me and the food that comes out of them is always third rate... at best.
48. Technology often frustrates me. Buttons and cords and more buttons and more cords give me headaches.
49. On the other hand I can't wait for the future to finally get here.
50. I will be the first in line to purchase a "Beam Me Up Scotty" machine.
51. I also can't wait to purchase my George Jetson style getting-ready-for-the-day-and-getting-ready-for-bed-machine.
52. I am a skier.
53. I have never been snowboarding and every winter I tell myself that this will be the winter that I try.
54. I only make one New Year's resolution a year.
55. Resolution 2007: Stop shopping at Walmart. The lines are long, I can't find anything, and everyone is ugly. I quit cold turkey.
56. I do not know what I am going to resolve to do differently in 2008.
57. I have self diagnosed long torso syndrome and I have a hard time finding shirts that are long enough.
58. I also have big feet. My shoe choices are limited as to not look like Ronald McDonald.
59. It is true what they say about big feet.
60. I like my fingernails. I don't like when people have little stubby ones.
61. I like vegetables more than I like fruit.
62. I know the difference between to, two, and too.
63. I also know the difference between there, their, and they're.
64. I specifically remember Mrs. Heinzig teaching me the difference in 1st grade and have a hard time understanding why this is such a difficult concept for so many people to grasp.
65. My middle name is Dukepoo. No, really.
66. To many I am known by the name Sharky.
67. If someone is a bitch to me I Shark Attack them.
68. When I was in elementary school a man in an eggplant colored Camaro tried to kidnap me.
69. I ran all the way home as fast as I could and never looked back.
70. I was walking home from an after-school program called "Young Astronauts".
71. Sometimes I really like my alone time.
72. I heart New York.
73. I figure I would need a spare $30M to get the apartment that I want there.
74. I adore mid-century modern furniture.
75. I have a lot of wants and not too many needs.
76. I wonder if anyone will actually read all of these things and if it will inspire someone to write a best selling biography about me.
77. Tunes are rad. I like listening to them.
78. I remember when I started driving and gas was 84 cents/gallon. Oh how I long for those days.
79. I also remember using the card catalogue system. I do not long for those days.
80. I once put a library call number on a Krispy Kreme box and put it on a shelf at the BYU library.
81. One semester I told my professor about a tragic fire that consumed my house and most of my portfolio was inside. I got an A.
82. I use to be a tow head with perfectly straight hair.
83. Now it is dark and wavy and unruly and I hate it.
84. I need a haircut. It is going through an awkward/I-wear-a-hat-all-the-time phase.
85. Sometimes I swear like a sailor because it makes people laugh.
86. I hate team sports.
87. I use the word hate a lot. Does that make me filled with rage? Or do I just need to hit the dictionary and thesaurus.
88. If they built Jurassic Park I would totally go to it.
89. I am a founding member of the Institute of Fun.
90. In high school my friends and I would play dress up and go out in public and "conduct surveys for Chris...Cannon" or dance on tables at JCWs.
91. I am glad that we were not drinking because we would have annoyed far more people and done even more embarrassing things.
92. I am allergic to cats.
93. I don't really care for animals that are pets.
94. I've always wanted to get a new car with a big red bow on it.
95. I want to be more green.
96. I've always wanted to be in the "I Saw You" section of City Weekly.
97. I collect random business cards, but only if they make me laugh.
98. Eleven is my favorite number.
99. I wonder if aliens have ever been to the planet Earth.
100. Italian is my favorite cuisine.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
- The pictures above are ones that I have been copying and pasting as I go. I have never seen ANY of these signs, but I hope to and apparently they are ones that we as drivers should be looking out for.
- There is a maximum and minimum time for each page of reading. I read a tad faster than the average Lehi speedster and find myself staring at the screen and waiting for the "Continue" button to appear.
- I had to take one of the quizzes four times because I kept getting the answer wrong.
Select the correct answer.
Adds to the happy, friendly feeling other motorists will have for you.
Exponentially increases your chances of causing an accident.
Will take several minutes off your travel time.
None of the above
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Hanged witch in Massachusetts sparks allegation of 'hate crime'
In the state made famous for persecuting witches in the late 17th century, a modern day sorceress in Massachusetts is burning mad about a neighbor's Halloween decoration depicting a witch hanging from a noose, calling it a hate crime against her religion.
The witch is hanging from wooden gallows in front of a home on East Street, but Lynch finds the decor offensive.
"We're not casting spells against people, we're just worshipping the moon, the goddess, the Earth," she said. "Just like the Christians, Muslims, people have their own religion."
"He told me that people should lighten up, and that it's a Halloween decoration. You know, to hang a witch from a real gallows and to have that as your only Halloween decoration, is kind of odd."
But the homeowner reportedly is not caving in. His neighbor, Kevin Belder, says he has every intention of keeping it up.
"He shouldn't take it down 'cause one person got offended or a lot of people got offended," Belder said. "I think it's funny."
If the owner doesn't remove the witch from its noose by Halloween, Lynch says she plans to protest outside his home, adding it's not only a hate crime against her religion, but offensive to the entire community.
"Why depict a violent death in your front yard for little kids to see?"
Between February 1692 and May 1693, more than 150 people in the British colony of Massachusetts were arrested and imprisoned for alleged engagement in witchcraft. Courts convicted 29 people of the capital felony of witchcraft, with 14 women and five men executed by hanging.
The King James Version of the Bible recounts an Old Testament direction to put witches to death, stating, "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." (Exodus 22:18)
This is either the greatest news story (read hate crime) ever stumbled upon by reporters or Dr. Seuss hit God in the head with a rock and started writing the story. Lynch the Witch lives in Massachusetts. Shouldn't she have other resources at her disposal?
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
I use to have this job, designing news graphics. I wonder if people scrutinized my work the same way. LOL. Makes me laugh at some of the decisions that I probably made while I worked for Chanel 2. Like the time that I posted a picture of Omar Sharif, the actor, and the story was about Sharif Omar, the terrorist. In half of his movies he is in the desert wearing a Turban and I am no connoisseur of the golden age of film. The director and everyone else on the dance floor (err, news room floor) was freaking out, telling me the station could be sued for at least 2 million dollars. In retrospect I should have been making far more money if I had the ability to make 2 million dollar mistakes. I hope my next job will pay me 2 million dollars. As a signing bonus, preferably.
Interviews are almost always ridiculous. In my experience, people I have interviewed with are usually more nervous than I am. Nonetheless, I hate them. Which is why I have been avoiding them and the great job search as much as I possibly can. But I like nice things and nice things require lots of nice money. So the search is about to get more intense and I need your help. What are the questions that they ask? And how can you be honest without sounding like an idiot? Example: "What is your biggest weakness?" They ask this 90% of the time. Why would I want to tell this to a potential employer? "Umm, I'm inherently lazy and I'd rather be spending my time sitting around and watching The Hills?" I'm pretty sure everyone says that they are a perfectionist and I'm pretty sure that the interviewer believes that about as much as I do. Do they want to hire a liar? So, I guess I'm looking for better answers. Ideas?
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
A typical day would consist of:
Mall Walking with fellow retirees
Picking up my prescriptions
Scouring the park with my metal detector
A little Home Shopping Network, adding to my rare collectible coin collection.
I would definitely take advantage of the youth in my neighborhood. They could cut my grass and rake my leaves and I would let them call it service work. Don't worry, I'd let them know that I am appreciative to their slave labor by carrying around gum and quarters that I would hand out. Pretending like I think that a quarter is still a lot of money, of course. Maybe I have senior citizen and retiree confused, but I still want to cruise around town on a Jazzy Scooter and wear gigantic sunglasses.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
"Please only ordain others with their permission. This includes public figures as well as cartoon and other fictional characters."
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
I am worth $3,484,290 on HumanForSale.com
How much are you worth?
Monday, August 6, 2007
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
I went out for my usual late night snack because I couldn't resist the thought of stuffing my face with something from Wendy's Super Value Menu to go along with my Frosty Dairy Desert. I thought' "Oh a Caesar Salad sounds nice, it won't make me feel like I ate ten pounds of butter." Then I ordered it, got home, stared at it and for no particular reason started scanning the ingredients on the Caesar dressing package. Did you know that there are ANCHOVIES! in Caesar dressing? Yes, those disgusting little creatures that we always see on Pizza in movies and thought we would never eat. No gives, No Thank you, No Gracias! Well I have news for you, most of us have probably eaten ANCHOVIES! I bet there are vegetarians out there who don't even know this. I hope they don't burst into flames upon reading this, but it is the truth. And possibly an act of terrorism, because I am terrified of what else I may be eating unknowingly. Shouldn't the packaging have a giant red call-out on the front that says, I dunno, "This product contains ANCHOVIES!"??? So please if you want to stop this kind of ludicrous behavior write to your senator, go to town meetings, stand together and unite to make sure that we are properly warned about this type of thing. Let Erin Brockovitch be your example. When she found ANCHOVIES! (or something probably similar) in the water, she did something about it. Also, my apologies go out to my sister, Amanda, for all the years that we fed her Tuna Fish and told her that it was Chicken.
In other strange food news take this survey. Kinda freaks me out. I got most of the answers wrong because my motto is, "When in doubt, throw it out!" Don't worry citizens, I found the greatest invention. It smells your food to tell you if it is still fresh. I am so investing in one of these. I will be the envy of every Martha Stewart of the future.