Thursday, September 27, 2007

Mr. Greening

In general, I really liked school but at Forbes Elementary Mr. Greening made me want to go run the nurse's office and fake sick. He was always screaming, always mad, always red in the face. So I was pleased to hear that he had passed away. I hope he applied sunscreen because it is going to be hot on the other side.
I never understood why he got so angry the time my friend and I drew marker mustaches on ourselves. The rest of the class was laughing. I remember his wobbly old green office chair that he would lean so far back in that it would nearly touch the ground. Everyday I would pray that it would fall over so he would crack his head open. He was also a racist. As a social studies teacher, probably not the best quality. He freely used the N word in class. This was in the 1990's, not the 1890's. One day one of my black friends was so upset, he faked sick and went home so he didn't have to hear it anymore. I think that is why I hate him most.
He was also a liar. He said he was born on February 29 of a leap year, which is why I always thought he was so bitter. So few birthday parties and he had a twin that he had to share these vary rare celebrations with. Not true, according to his obituary. However, I do particularly love this part of Mr. Greening's online obituary, "He loved ass sports, campint, fishing, huntine, but he especially loved golf." Yes, in Utah County we pronounce huntine (hunting) and moun'un (mountain) but ass sports?

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Limetastic Ladies!

I love alliteration. And I love even more when you see something in real life that makes you think that you just fell into a Dr. Seuss book. Yesterday I was having my own Sunday Fun Day in Park City when I turned the corner and saw two Lumberjack Lesbians disguised as Lipstick Lesbians. Both wearing a shade of lime green that is the brightness equivalent of hunter orange. Both lovely. Both made my day. Then they both hopped into their lime green Saab. Do they always wear lime green? Or do they have a car that matches every color that they wear? Are they paid advertisements for Sprite's new subLYMONal advertising campaign, or are they from the future? Either way, it is genius and it made me want to have a lesbian lover when I grow up. I really wish I were quicker on my thumbs and knew how to work my camera phone so you could get the real picture of this. Have you ever seen anything so great? I haven't.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Retirement Living

Some friends gave me a t-shirt that says "Napping, it's my day job" and I got to thinking I'll just retire early, like now. Seriously, it doesn't sound like a bad deal and I'm sure I could find plenty to do with my time. First, I could finally get that Jazzy Scooter* that I've always wanted. My mom would never let me play on them at the grocery store, but I would have my own and I'd take it everywhere with me. I'd wear my velour suit with pride, maybe a World War 2 hat and tell people crazy stories. I could spew socially inappropriate things and tell someone when they look fat or gaunt, and no one can be offended. Or maybe they are, but at least they would laugh at my off colored jokes most of the time. Like when my Granny-Granny told me she smelled "like a damn Mexican" because she'd been eating chips and salsa. (Yes she is also the one who says that I look gaunt and gives my sister clothes because they are "much too large" for herself.)

A typical day would consist of:
Mall Walking with fellow retirees
Picking up my prescriptions
Scouring the park with my metal detector
A little Home Shopping Network, adding to my rare collectible coin collection.

I would definitely take advantage of the youth in my neighborhood. They could cut my grass and rake my leaves and I would let them call it service work. Don't worry, I'd let them know that I am appreciative to their slave labor by carrying around gum and quarters that I would hand out. Pretending like I think that a quarter is still a lot of money, of course. Maybe I have senior citizen and retiree confused, but I still want to cruise around town on a Jazzy Scooter and wear gigantic sunglasses.

*Please note the name of the man pictured mid-article. He is totally teaching me how to do that.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

All Dogs Go To Heaven

I love the Lone Peak Press and their journalistic integrity to only bring us the hard hitting news of Highland, Alpine & Cedar Hills. If it isn't the Cox/Dickson Wedding or an article about the Husband and Wife Intimacy Center that just opened then it is this: a canine clergyman. No really, he officiates weddings in Highland and you too can have your pets' nuptials officiated by the illustrious Reverend Tyker. If you are interested, please visit his website and you MUST SEND ME AN INVITE!!! Apparently anyone can become a minister online with a little help from The Universal Life Church. Even dogs. If you so choose to take this calling of ministry in life please heed the advise and warnings posted on their website, my favorite:

"Please only ordain others with their permission. This includes public figures as well as cartoon and other fictional characters."

This is serious business that could be met with some confusion at the pearly .com gates as I once had a seminary teacher and a dog named Charlie Brown.