Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Retirement Living

Some friends gave me a t-shirt that says "Napping, it's my day job" and I got to thinking I'll just retire early, like now. Seriously, it doesn't sound like a bad deal and I'm sure I could find plenty to do with my time. First, I could finally get that Jazzy Scooter* that I've always wanted. My mom would never let me play on them at the grocery store, but I would have my own and I'd take it everywhere with me. I'd wear my velour suit with pride, maybe a World War 2 hat and tell people crazy stories. I could spew socially inappropriate things and tell someone when they look fat or gaunt, and no one can be offended. Or maybe they are, but at least they would laugh at my off colored jokes most of the time. Like when my Granny-Granny told me she smelled "like a damn Mexican" because she'd been eating chips and salsa. (Yes she is also the one who says that I look gaunt and gives my sister clothes because they are "much too large" for herself.)

A typical day would consist of:
Mall Walking with fellow retirees
Picking up my prescriptions
Scouring the park with my metal detector
A little Home Shopping Network, adding to my rare collectible coin collection.

I would definitely take advantage of the youth in my neighborhood. They could cut my grass and rake my leaves and I would let them call it service work. Don't worry, I'd let them know that I am appreciative to their slave labor by carrying around gum and quarters that I would hand out. Pretending like I think that a quarter is still a lot of money, of course. Maybe I have senior citizen and retiree confused, but I still want to cruise around town on a Jazzy Scooter and wear gigantic sunglasses.

*Please note the name of the man pictured mid-article. He is totally teaching me how to do that.


gurrbonzo said...

Zachy. Bad news. You can't mall walk in a jazzy. It's called mall roll.

Chelsea said...

Grandma and Grandpa Elmer had a scooter that I don't think is in use anymore. RIP G&G
Maybe call Uncle Joe up and see if you can get your hands on that thing! I do believe they have the mini van too that it fits perfectly in with the license plate that said, "near death by chocolate". Not so happy memory of my birthday.
Even better get one of those Rascals that you can ride in at the grand canyon right next to the ledge and easily turn. We always crack up at that infomercial.

Amanda Jane said...

I was waiting for GG's funeral to tell that story. I plan on wearing my red leather jacket that was "much too large" for her to the funeral to. I'd take gaunt and sickly over fat any day! Chelsea I too love that informercial.

Anonymous said...

Yes, i think G&G elmer had some niice old person items...i have a hat i got from grandpa that says " Don't bug me, i'm damn retired" or something like that. i'll send it up. and can i say that granny granny's jokes could create a new mtv show - "My grandmother iis more harcore than yours" or something of that nature... i love you zach!

Anonymous said...

i want a jazzy bout next year when i turn 30!!! what?! so old...

Ashley said...

You've just described my senior-cit dream. I can't wait to be old.

Annika Louisiana said...

i won't lie when i read this blog i wanted to vomit! i do not want to be old- there is this very gross man that comes into work his name is Dave, he used to flirt only with Kira...but now he has turned it to flirting with Lauren and I...not only does Dave drive a jazzy thing- he is missing one leg completely and the other he apparently last week chopped a toe off of- well the leg thats missing i guess he has a fake one for- this week his new thing has been to tell all of us how he can no longer wear his leg for a few weeks because he left it on too long and it punctured a hole in his leg- every time he starts talking i have to turn around so i do not vomit all over the gross fat man who drives around cedar city on his jazzy! Zach I'm pretty sure you do not want to be that! that is my two cents on jazzy's and not wanting to ever have one- however i do believe grandma has one in her basement...G.G. has some other things she loves to do- one is tell me i'm not as fat as i used to be- Amanda has now taken all the fat comments the last time we saw her (I am sorry Amanda...i have no idea why she turned on you last time!)