Wednesday, November 28, 2007

100 Things About Zach

1. I'm currently bored out of my mind, and I'm not sure where this exercise will take me.
2. I have terrible insomnia.
3. I get so bored that I just eat a lot after midnight, or 1, 0r 3am.
4. Sometimes I wake up in a pile of pretzels and edamame and I wonder where it came from.
5. I have an incredibly fast metabolism. Eating a lot puts it into high gear and sort of tricks me into being sleepy.
6. I never exercise. I use to like it and I have a gym pass for probably the next three years, but every time I go I feel like I'm going to be eaten alive from the stares and I run out after 10 minutes.
7. I should tell the gym I went on a mission and see if they will give me two years worth of credit.
8. I doubt I'll actually do this. I am lazy.
9. I am also a procrastinator. I procrastinate everything. EVERYTHING.
10. I even hold it as long as I possibly can to go to the restroom. Squeeze tighter, don't breath so hard. Okay I can make it another 30 minutes.
11. I wrecked Malibu Sue last month. She needs extensive cosmetic and medical surgery. Feel free to donate funds to the cause.
12. When Malibu Sue dies, God Bless her soul, I want to take her to a demolition derby. Then I will bury her in a plot adorning her name.
13. I never really liked my BYU experience. I never related with the people. They thought I came from a different planet and I the same of them.
14. I am sure I would have done far better and tried more in a different environment.
15. I miss my house in Provo. Sometimes I drive by it and miss it.
16. My house was dubbed the Crystal Palace because it was mostly white.
17. I don't call it that much because I'm worried someone will think that means it was a Crystal Meth Palace.
18. It wasn't. I've never touched Meth, but their commercials paint a good picture of me.
19. Meth users have erratic sleep patterns and mood swings. So do I but I have practically perfect skin, don't work at a gas station, and don't know how a crack pipe works.
20. When I was younger I announced that I was running away from home.
21. My dad told me they adopted me from cell block C-3 (a letter and number that have forever been burned into my memory).
22. I drove off on my big wheel in search of the purple walled room that I pictured I had come from, realized I had no idea where it was, and was back home within the hour.
23. I love sparkling water. I wish I had one in my hand at all times.
24. I also love clothes and spend re-damn-diculous amounts of money on them.
25. I need to move somewhere. I don't think there is anymore for Salt Lake to offer me. Suggestions are more than welcome.
26. I also need an incredible graphic design job.
27. I really think that I want to be an architect when I grow up.
28. Blue is my favorite color.
29. I just read the Toa Te Ching.
30. Now I am reading Bhagavad Gita.
31. Most people reading this post probably don't believe that I read.
32. Throughout most of High School and College I rented movies instead of reading the books. Voluntarily reading is a big step for me.
33. Once, in 10th grade I saw one of (rhymes with) Rammie Mocutt's quiz answers so I changed my answer to match hers and I got it wrong. I have never cheated since.
34. I have always been intimidated by her and her smarts.
35. I was voted to be Captain at the Christa Mcauliffe Space Center twice. Once on the class field trip and again for Space Camp. It was a very big deal.
36. I want to rent out the CMSpace Center and have my next birthday there. I would be Captain.
37. One of the aliens accidentally spit directly in my mouth because he was yelling so hard and I almost threw up.
38. Ernie is very messy. Bert is very clean. I've always identified more with Ernie.
39. Celebrities make regular appearances in my dreams at night.
40. I try to watch equal parts Entertainment television and CNN.
41. To date a politician has never made an appearance in my bed.
42. I hate the sound of vacuums.
43. I was voted most fashionable in High School.
44. I match my sock and underwear to my clothes.
45. I lose everything. Keys. Phones. Ipods. Clothes. My ID. My sanity. On a regular basis.
46. I visit everyday.

47. I hate microwaves. They confuse me and the food that comes out of them is always third rate... at best.
48. Technology often frustrates me. Buttons and cords and more buttons and more cords give me headaches.
49. On the other hand I can't wait for the future to finally get here.
50. I will be the first in line to purchase a "Beam Me Up Scotty" machine.
51. I also can't wait to purchase my George Jetson style getting-ready-for-the-day-and-getting-ready-for-bed-machine.
52. I am a skier.
53. I have never been snowboarding and every winter I tell myself that this will be the winter that I try.
54. I only make one New Year's resolution a year.
55. Resolution 2007: Stop shopping at Walmart. The lines are long, I can't find anything, and everyone is ugly. I quit cold turkey.
56. I do not know what I am going to resolve to do differently in 2008.
57. I have self diagnosed long torso syndrome and I have a hard time finding shirts that are long enough.
58. I also have big feet. My shoe choices are limited as to not look like Ronald McDonald.
59. It is true what they say about big feet.
60. I like my fingernails. I don't like when people have little stubby ones.
61. I like vegetables more than I like fruit.
62. I know the difference between to, two, and too.
63. I also know the difference between there, their, and they're.
64. I specifically remember Mrs. Heinzig teaching me the difference in 1st grade and have a hard time understanding why this is such a difficult concept for so many people to grasp.
65. My middle name is Dukepoo. No, really.
66. To many I am known by the name Sharky.
67. If someone is a bitch to me I Shark Attack them.
68. When I was in elementary school a man in an eggplant colored Camaro tried to kidnap me.
69. I ran all the way home as fast as I could and never looked back.
70. I was walking home from an after-school program called "Young Astronauts".
71. Sometimes I really like my alone time.
72. I heart New York.
73. I figure I would need a spare $30M to get the apartment that I want there.
74. I adore mid-century modern furniture.
75. I have a lot of wants and not too many needs.
76. I wonder if anyone will actually read all of these things and if it will inspire someone to write a best selling biography about me.
77. Tunes are rad. I like listening to them.
78. I remember when I started driving and gas was 84 cents/gallon. Oh how I long for those days.
79. I also remember using the card catalogue system. I do not long for those days.
80. I once put a library call number on a Krispy Kreme box and put it on a shelf at the BYU library.
81. One semester I told my professor about a tragic fire that consumed my house and most of my portfolio was inside. I got an A.
82. I use to be a tow head with perfectly straight hair.
83. Now it is dark and wavy and unruly and I hate it.
84. I need a haircut. It is going through an awkward/I-wear-a-hat-all-the-time phase.
85. Sometimes I swear like a sailor because it makes people laugh.
86. I hate team sports.
87. I use the word hate a lot. Does that make me filled with rage? Or do I just need to hit the dictionary and thesaurus.
88. If they built Jurassic Park I would totally go to it.
89. I am a founding member of the Institute of Fun.
90. In high school my friends and I would play dress up and go out in public and "conduct surveys for Chris...Cannon" or dance on tables at JCWs.
91. I am glad that we were not drinking because we would have annoyed far more people and done even more embarrassing things.
92. I am allergic to cats.
93. I don't really care for animals that are pets.
94. I've always wanted to get a new car with a big red bow on it.
95. I want to be more green.
96. I've always wanted to be in the "I Saw You" section of City Weekly.
97. I collect random business cards, but only if they make me laugh.
98. Eleven is my favorite number.
99. I wonder if aliens have ever been to the planet Earth.
100. Italian is my favorite cuisine.

A taste of Halloween

I neglected to post a few Halloween pictures from last month. I always love Halloween and this year was no different. I dressed up four different times. It required A LOT OF WORK because I was Beth Chapman, wife of the famed Duane "Dog the Bounty Hunter" Chapman, as played by Whitney. Dog the Bounty Hunter was taken off the air indefinitely for using the N word. Now I, don't agree with the radical racial statements that were made but I have some important information that may exonerate the Chapman family. On the week of Halloween the Chapmans spent a considerable amount of time with their long time African American friend, Oprah. She handed out money, gave away cars, and seemed to be of good cheer in their presence. Hopefully Dog didn't mean the things that he said and is learning to be more tolerant, but we must also note that the Chapmans spent a very important holiday with a very important Black woman. Mahalo!

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Sweet Jeezis!

Marcy is going wild and transforming her house into the North Pole. This year a new nativity scene is making it's debut and there is someone very special I would like all of you to meet. Big Baby Jesus. I didn't know that he slept in the manger until he was 23. Other things you may not have known: the manger scene guest list included an armadillo, giant grasshopper, and a killer rooster.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Traffic School

I got a speeding ticket a few weeks ago and the very cutting edge city of Lehi has an online program for traffic school. I'm taking it right now and it is driving me nuts.


  • The pictures above are ones that I have been copying and pasting as I go. I have never seen ANY of these signs, but I hope to and apparently they are ones that we as drivers should be looking out for.

  • There is a maximum and minimum time for each page of reading. I read a tad faster than the average Lehi speedster and find myself staring at the screen and waiting for the "Continue" button to appear.

  • I had to take one of the quizzes four times because I kept getting the answer wrong.

Select the correct answer.

Adds to the happy, friendly feeling other motorists will have for you.
Exponentially increases your chances of causing an accident.
Is stupid.
Will take several minutes off your travel time.
None of the above

Correct answer, no joke: Tailgating is stupid. I should really pay more attention the reading if I want to come out a more cautious driver.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Laughing all the way

I don't mean to steal Thanksgiving's thunder but I If you like holiday cheer, and awesome, and dance parties I highly recommend that you brace yourself and CLICK HERE. If you do not like holiday cheer, and awesome, and dance parties you should click above because I blogged so.

Thursday, November 15, 2007


At the request of my sister, Amanda, I am going to share one of my deepest darkest secrets. A long long time ago when I was a wee lad I so enjoyed going to the movies to see the latest Disney Animated Classic. One of my favorites was Aladdin. I LOVED IT. I wanted to be him. I wanted to be him so much that I would think of ways that I could get my hands on a monkey and name it Abu. I couldn't wait until we had the technology or magic to have actual flying carpets. And I don't doubt that I even tried inventing a few on my own. 1992 was a magical year. My Grandma Karen even gave me Roller Blades for my birthday, they were all the rage at the time. I was even lucky enough to own and operate a Sony Walkman... the kind that played tapes. Everyday I would rush home from school, slap on my Roller Blades, put my Aladdin soundtrack in the tape player and hit the streets. A little silly, I know. But the truth is even better. I was really practicing for Aladdin on Ice. Everyday I would practice going backwards, doings twits, and skating on one leg. I was sure that with enough practice and determination the director would one day happen to drive down my street in his Porsche and see me skating. The breaks on his red 911 would come to a screeching halt as he was mesmerized by my moves. In my mind he wasn't a Dateline child predator, but if he were I could out skate his car. He would step out of his car, take another puff of his cigar and say, "Man, that kid's got talent." He would sign me on to skate as Aladdin, of course. I would travel the world, which at the time was shining shimmering and splendid. And that is how my wildest dreams were going to come true. That is really how I imagined it. Exactly how I imagined it. Oh, in 1992 I was in the 5th grade. I'm pretty sure that is too old for an Aladdin obsession, but in my defense I did know what a Porsche 911 was.