A little bit louder now...

Ever seen the movie Pure Luck?

2008-08-02T09:57:00.000-07:00

Sorry guys, my blog has been pretty lame lately. I've been insanely busy. I've been hit by a car, drive by egged, had the hood of my car flip up on the freeway and pretty much every other outrageous thing that you can think of. I got a new phone and I just barely learned how to use it. The offices of Dukepoo and Associates can now return your calls and text again.
The other day I left work at lunch because I thought I was going to die or pass out or have a seizure. So instead of doing something dramatic, like projectile vomiting on my computer, I decided to go home early. All I wanted was to be home in bed. But the universe had other plans for me.

Malibu Sue decided to over-heat on the freeway. She has been in critical condition after a nasty car wreck last month and her internal organs couldn't take it any longer. After a tow truck ride, waiting around at mechanic shop, and trying to stretch $3 at the Asian supermarket I received the news. Malibu Sue is dead. Her ashes will be scattered across the Pacific in a ceremony celebrating her life and bravery. Farewell sweet princess!

So sometime soon I am going to be sporting around a new ride, well an old ride. A blast from the past. No, not the Ferrari. I'm gonna be driving the Insurance Bug. So come one come all, step up to the line. I am no longer a homeless gypsy. Hotel California is almost set up for visitors. If you're lucky, I'll even take you on a ride down the coast in the Bug.

(I don't know why it is purple. It is actually still a red car.)

I'm changing my name to Awesome

2008-05-31T15:33:00.000-07:00

Dear readers,

I suggest you sit down if you are not already doing so... I HAVE A JOB! Yes, the kind where you get up in the morning and go to a building and you do this thing called work with these people called co-workers. Weird. I know, the concept is kind of new to me and I am super pumped up about it. (Can I hear a "Pump, pump, pump it up!")?

I got a job in La Jolla at the University of California San Diego as a graphic designer. Woot! Woot! I am not a failure.

I was beginning to think that I would forever remain a gypsy. I thought that maybe I was one of those people that smell bad and doesn't know it. One of those people that should be named Valerie Schmeltz. One of those people that is mentally retarded and doesn't know it. Well, turns out I'm not. Or if I am, I was finally able to trick enough people into thinking otherwise and now I can be a responsible citizen with something to offer the world.

My sister, Amanda, told me that now I don't have to decide between eating or buying deodorant. I am thrilled to be able to do both, and to be designing again (because I'm pretty damn good). It will be fun to explore the University because there are tons of cool buildings, and I'd like to get started on my Masters in Architecture before I turn 50. Check out the photo of the library below, meanwhile I will concentrate on being awesome.

Yours truly,

Dr. Awesome

Xanadu

2008-04-17T11:27:00.000-07:00

It looks like I have plans on the grassy knoll this Sunday.

Mrs. Buckner

2008-04-12T12:14:00.000-07:00

When I was in elementary school we lived near a reclusive staunch Jewish woman who was an artist. Mrs. Buckner was very private, lived in a dark home and always answered the door the same way by saying, "What do you want?" with her hand on her hip. Every Friday was cookie day. She made chocolate chip cookies, oatmeal raisin, and peanut butter. My friends and I looked forward to this event on the way home from our after-school "Young Astronauts" program. You had to go to the back door by her kitchen which made it feel even more exclusive. Over the years the abrasive "What do you want?" started to sound friendly and she made cookies for as long as she was able. One day I heard she was sick, so I dug up flowers from my mom's flower garden, put them in mason jars and brought them to her front door. I was greeted with the same "what do you want?" then she started to cry. I didn't know what to do so I left the flowers on her doorstep and ran. When she became too old and ill to make cookies, she still answered the back door. If there were no cookies, she would make you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Mrs. Bucker was one cool bitch and I want to be her someday. The crazy artist. Hopefully not reclusive. Hopefully my significant other does not leave me through an unexpected death that devastates. Hopefully I will not live in a dark dingy house. It were once operating and less sad home. And one day, hopefully, I will make cookies for people and greet them however I damn feel because Mrs. Buckner made us all feel just a little more special.

Please be safe...

2008-03-31T22:54:00.000-07:00

This post is likely not "work safe" or "BYU safe", however I find the message relevant and captured beautifully. In my experience, I also find it important to note that prejudice is the largest side effect of a preventable disease. Please. BE SAFE. If you don't respect yourself today, you may have a harder time respecting yourself tomorrow.

California dreamin'

2008-03-26T00:41:00.000-07:00

In case you are not in on the loop, I'm living in San Diego now. I have communication problems. The day before I left my sister called and said that she had heard from one of my dad's employees that I was moving to San Diego. This was the first she had heard the news. Then as I was packing my car my brother asked, "Where are you going?" as if he expected a response along the lines of "The local market." So now I am informing all of you. I moved.
I went to the DMV the other day. Quite the experience. Plebeians a plenty. I have a driver's license but I still don't have a Von's card. I don't think they need to track every grocery I purchase, so I enter the phone number 8675 three oh nine. I go there daily to get my tub of ice cream and be a fat girl that watches American Idol. The checker lady is starting to think we are friends. She calls me by name and even tells me how much I saved each time. Last night she said, "Thank you Mr. Dandy. You saved $1.14." I smile, nod, and wish her a pleasant evening. My receipt has the name Jim Dandy circled on it. Today she said, "Hi Jim, you're back." I have a new alias.

I've been tagged.

2008-03-03T17:44:00.000-08:00

1. 10 years ago:
I was 15. Wishing that I could drive myself everywhere already. I don't know how many hours (days, months) of my life were spent waiting at the Rec Center until someone remembered to pick me up from swim team.

2. 5 things on my “to-do” list today:
Check perezhilton.com
Eat some jelly beans.
Return my missed phone calls.
Vacuum my room.
Read The Money Book for the Young, Broke & Fabulous by Suze Orman.
I will probably only get around to the first two.

3. Things I would do if I became a billionaire:
Build a house.
Buy some cool wheels.
Philanthropy, not sure what, just a cause that is larger than myself.
Have my cake and eat it too.

4. 3 of my bad habits:
Not returning phone calls.
Neglecting my laundry to the point where I just start buying new underwear.
Driving my car as far as possible with the gas light on.

5. 5 Places I have lived:
Pleasant Grove
American Fork
Alpine
Provo
Alpine

6. 5 Jobs I have had:
Lifeguard & swim instructor
Rick Albrecht's gopher
ah-ha.com
Graphic Designer
I think that is all of them.

7. Something most people don’t know about me:
There are a lot of people. I am sure most of them don't know anything about me. Consider yourselves lucky.

Escuchen a la musica, por favor.

2008-02-29T11:29:00.000-08:00

Ashley told me that there was a dance to Soulja Boy's Superman. I was unaware because I live in Utah and it is 99% caucasian... well that and I don't watch BET or listen to the radio. I shuffle updated my ipod and it currently has the greatest strangest mix ever. One minute it is Telepopmusik (MUST WATCH) the next it is Metallica playing with the San Francisco Symphony. Now I need to learn how to crump AND do the Superman!

Tasty Tuesday

2008-02-12T17:03:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite sites is TasteSpotting. Everyday it has trillions* of new pictures of food that look muy delicioso. Usually the pictures link to the recipe or a site where you can buy the tasty treats. Some of them look too good to eat, while others a bit too exotic for my taste buds. Foodies rejoice and enjoy!

*denotes exaggeration

Crystal Island

2008-02-11T17:50:00.000-08:00

Because I am interested in all things architecture/design and my BFF, Ashley, is interested in all things Russia, I thought I would share. The world's largest building is about to be built in Moscow by Foster+Partners. Many other firms make drawings and announcements to build the biggest, the baddest, the something-est in the entire universe and they never come to pass, but Foster+Partners have a wonderful history of designing out of this world projects and actually building them to completion. It is not going to be the tallest building in the world, but it is going to be the world's fattest building and possibly even its phattest building. Naturally I question projects with plans to be the biggest. In a world where we should be aware of the possibility (and reality) of climate change, the biggest-ugliest-most badass of things often seem excessive. Excessive, like my barely over 5 foot tall mother's Diesel powered Excursion with a lift kit. But the plans for Crystal Island are filled with green, Earth friendly, people friendly design elements like solar panels and wind turbines to generate power and atriums that act as natural ventilation and insulation for the building. The building's size has a purpose too, it is a barrier that is meant to protect people from extreme weather and the pollution has made living conditions in the area undesirable and unhealthy. It is a city within a building. So cool, rad, right? When it is built maybe I will want to go to Russia with Ashley. Something to see besides the sword shaped bottles of vodka that she tells me about, but I must admit they do sounds pretty cool.

Wait...You're allowed to do that?

2008-02-07T19:49:00.000-08:00

On one hand I can't believe that some people are allowed to have children. On the other hand I can see myself being the parent that would help his child make one of these skateboards. I always wanted a floating skateboard like Marty McFly's, but this is the next best thing. I think the kid says, "I'm proud to be an American" which is equal parts disturbing and awesome. Thoughts?

Update

2008-01-30T20:39:00.001-08:00

Dear readers and adoring fans, I've been neglecting my blog for a while because I didn't think I had really been up to anything very blog worthy. I thought I could give you all a post about my New Year's resolution, but I procrastinate and haven't really come up with one for two-thousand-great. On the 1st I decided to quit smoking. Cold turkey. It was a pretty easy fix, considering I didn't smoke in the first place. So, until I come up with a better resolution I'm going with my success story: I quit smoking. Cold turkey.

Sundance was killer this year. I'll tell you all about it another time because it deserves it's very own post, but don't feel like it right now.

Inspired by Amanda's blog, I thought I'd share with you my pick for best TV program. I just discovered Head Case on the Starz! network. It is a program about a celebrity therapist named Dr. Goode played by Alexandra Wentworth, who happens to be the real life wife of George Stephanopoulos. Stephanopoulos, Stephanopoulos, Stephanopoulos (say it ten times fast) also writes for the show. Dr. Goode's life is a wreck and she gives ill-advice to her mostly washed-up, non-A-lister celebrity patients without ever actually listening to what they are saying then she makes them believe that they have problems which don't really exist. You can watch the first episode here. Everything from the stereotypical wardrobes to the decorating of the office is genius. If you have ever been to therapy you will definitely relate, and if you haven't I urge you to for the added laughs.

Also, who is excited for the premiere of LOST tomorow? I can't wait.

Daft Punk

2007-12-20T17:18:00.000-08:00

Why didn't I think of THIS? And why aren't they my friends?

No words necessary

2007-12-20T15:56:00.000-08:00

Wait. You're allowed to do that?

2007-12-15T17:23:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I went to my grandparents house, but my Grandpa Newell was the only one home when I got there. We had a nice chat for a couple hours and it was probably the first where I didn't want to rip my arm off and throw it at something as a distraction.

He DID NOT talk about his usual topics...

How he remembers everything about the day I was born.
Feeding me tuna sandwiches and pickles when I was younger.
How he is really good friends with _________ (insert politician or local celebrity).

He DID talk about...

His kidney stones that he now collects, and I wasn't grossed out.
Charleton Heston.
Guns, and I wasn't totally offended.
The new 12 ft Christmas tree.
How big he is. An Indian couple that he met weigh the same combined as he does. He also has the same arm span as a gorilla. (Yes, this is like people who brag because they are tall.)
Showed me pictures of his cars. I could have just as easily seen them in real life by looking outside or walking down to the garage.

Then he showed me this...

He went bungee jumping on his recent trip to New Zealand. Over a river. He showed me pictures and the DVD. It cost $350 Australian, but because he is over 65 they let him go for free. I almost exploded like a baby in the microwave out of excitement.

When I grow up I want to be a...

2007-12-06T14:08:00.000-08:00

Salt Lake has some of the greatest finds. The downtown library is the best for this. Look at the ground. If you see a piece of paper that resembles trash then pick it up. You will find treasure more often than you think. These are two of my latest finds and I can't wait until I have a business card of my own to hand out or drop on the ground. What should it say? How much information should I put on it? Where do I get it printed on slick black paper with gold embossing? It looks very expensive. Very elegant. Very fancy. Very very. How do I get an exclamation point behind my job title? Do I need a Ph.D. or can anyone have an exclamation point on their business card?

P.S. For an added giggle or to find the love of your life please visit http://www.chooseromance.com/ and please do not forget to click on the about Gayle tab. I definitely want her sitting around the corner on a awkward lunch date jotting notes and pretending like she isn't listening in.

100 Things About Zach

2007-11-28T00:31:00.000-08:00

1. I'm currently bored out of my mind, and I'm not sure where this exercise will take me.
2. I have terrible insomnia.
3. I get so bored that I just eat a lot after midnight, or 1, 0r 3am.
4. Sometimes I wake up in a pile of pretzels and edamame and I wonder where it came from.
5. I have an incredibly fast metabolism. Eating a lot puts it into high gear and sort of tricks me into being sleepy.
6. I never exercise. I use to like it and I have a gym pass for probably the next three years, but every time I go I feel like I'm going to be eaten alive from the stares and I run out after 10 minutes.
7. I should tell the gym I went on a mission and see if they will give me two years worth of credit.
8. I doubt I'll actually do this. I am lazy.
9. I am also a procrastinator. I procrastinate everything. EVERYTHING.
10. I even hold it as long as I possibly can to go to the restroom. Squeeze tighter, don't breath so hard. Okay I can make it another 30 minutes.
11. I wrecked Malibu Sue last month. She needs extensive cosmetic and medical surgery. Feel free to donate funds to the cause.
12. When Malibu Sue dies, God Bless her soul, I want to take her to a demolition derby. Then I will bury her in a plot adorning her name.
13. I never really liked my BYU experience. I never related with the people. They thought I came from a different planet and I the same of them.
14. I am sure I would have done far better and tried more in a different environment.
15. I miss my house in Provo. Sometimes I drive by it and miss it.
16. My house was dubbed the Crystal Palace because it was mostly white.
17. I don't call it that much because I'm worried someone will think that means it was a Crystal Meth Palace.
18. It wasn't. I've never touched Meth, but their commercials paint a good picture of me.
19. Meth users have erratic sleep patterns and mood swings. So do I but I have practically perfect skin, don't work at a gas station, and don't know how a crack pipe works.
20. When I was younger I announced that I was running away from home.
21. My dad told me they adopted me from cell block C-3 (a letter and number that have forever been burned into my memory).
22. I drove off on my big wheel in search of the purple walled room that I pictured I had come from, realized I had no idea where it was, and was back home within the hour.
23. I love sparkling water. I wish I had one in my hand at all times.
24. I also love clothes and spend re-damn-diculous amounts of money on them.
25. I need to move somewhere. I don't think there is anymore for Salt Lake to offer me. Suggestions are more than welcome.
26. I also need an incredible graphic design job.
27. I really think that I want to be an architect when I grow up.
28. Blue is my favorite color.
29. I just read the Toa Te Ching.
30. Now I am reading Bhagavad Gita.
31. Most people reading this post probably don't believe that I read.
32. Throughout most of High School and College I rented movies instead of reading the books. Voluntarily reading is a big step for me.
33. Once, in 10th grade I saw one of (rhymes with) Rammie Mocutt's quiz answers so I changed my answer to match hers and I got it wrong. I have never cheated since.
34. I have always been intimidated by her and her smarts.
35. I was voted to be Captain at the Christa Mcauliffe Space Center twice. Once on the class field trip and again for Space Camp. It was a very big deal.
36. I want to rent out the CMSpace Center and have my next birthday there. I would be Captain.
37. One of the aliens accidentally spit directly in my mouth because he was yelling so hard and I almost threw up.
38. Ernie is very messy. Bert is very clean. I've always identified more with Ernie.
39. Celebrities make regular appearances in my dreams at night.
40. I try to watch equal parts Entertainment television and CNN.
41. To date a politician has never made an appearance in my bed.
42. I hate the sound of vacuums.
43. I was voted most fashionable in High School.
44. I match my sock and underwear to my clothes.
45. I lose everything. Keys. Phones. Ipods. Clothes. My ID. My sanity. On a regular basis.
46. I visit perezhilton.com everyday.

47. I hate microwaves. They confuse me and the food that comes out of them is always third rate... at best.
48. Technology often frustrates me. Buttons and cords and more buttons and more cords give me headaches.
49. On the other hand I can't wait for the future to finally get here.
50. I will be the first in line to purchase a "Beam Me Up Scotty" machine.
51. I also can't wait to purchase my George Jetson style getting-ready-for-the-day-and-getting-ready-for-bed-machine.
52. I am a skier.
53. I have never been snowboarding and every winter I tell myself that this will be the winter that I try.
54. I only make one New Year's resolution a year.
55. Resolution 2007: Stop shopping at Walmart. The lines are long, I can't find anything, and everyone is ugly. I quit cold turkey.
56. I do not know what I am going to resolve to do differently in 2008.
57. I have self diagnosed long torso syndrome and I have a hard time finding shirts that are long enough.
58. I also have big feet. My shoe choices are limited as to not look like Ronald McDonald.
59. It is true what they say about big feet.
60. I like my fingernails. I don't like when people have little stubby ones.
61. I like vegetables more than I like fruit.
62. I know the difference between to, two, and too.
63. I also know the difference between there, their, and they're.
64. I specifically remember Mrs. Heinzig teaching me the difference in 1st grade and have a hard time understanding why this is such a difficult concept for so many people to grasp.
65. My middle name is Dukepoo. No, really.
66. To many I am known by the name Sharky.
67. If someone is a bitch to me I Shark Attack them.
68. When I was in elementary school a man in an eggplant colored Camaro tried to kidnap me.
69. I ran all the way home as fast as I could and never looked back.
70. I was walking home from an after-school program called "Young Astronauts".
71. Sometimes I really like my alone time.
72. I heart New York.
73. I figure I would need a spare $30M to get the apartment that I want there.
74. I adore mid-century modern furniture.
75. I have a lot of wants and not too many needs.
76. I wonder if anyone will actually read all of these things and if it will inspire someone to write a best selling biography about me.
77. Tunes are rad. I like listening to them.
78. I remember when I started driving and gas was 84 cents/gallon. Oh how I long for those days.
79. I also remember using the card catalogue system. I do not long for those days.
80. I once put a library call number on a Krispy Kreme box and put it on a shelf at the BYU library.
81. One semester I told my professor about a tragic fire that consumed my house and most of my portfolio was inside. I got an A.
82. I use to be a tow head with perfectly straight hair.
83. Now it is dark and wavy and unruly and I hate it.
84. I need a haircut. It is going through an awkward/I-wear-a-hat-all-the-time phase.
85. Sometimes I swear like a sailor because it makes people laugh.
86. I hate team sports.
87. I use the word hate a lot. Does that make me filled with rage? Or do I just need to hit the dictionary and thesaurus.
88. If they built Jurassic Park I would totally go to it.
89. I am a founding member of the Institute of Fun.
90. In high school my friends and I would play dress up and go out in public and "conduct surveys for Chris...Cannon" or dance on tables at JCWs.
91. I am glad that we were not drinking because we would have annoyed far more people and done even more embarrassing things.
92. I am allergic to cats.
93. I don't really care for animals that are pets.
94. I've always wanted to get a new car with a big red bow on it.
95. I want to be more green.
96. I've always wanted to be in the "I Saw You" section of City Weekly.
97. I collect random business cards, but only if they make me laugh.
98. Eleven is my favorite number.
99. I wonder if aliens have ever been to the planet Earth.
100. Italian is my favorite cuisine.

A taste of Halloween

2007-11-28T00:12:00.001-08:00

I neglected to post a few Halloween pictures from last month. I always love Halloween and this year was no different. I dressed up four different times. It required A LOT OF WORK because I was Beth Chapman, wife of the famed Duane "Dog the Bounty Hunter" Chapman, as played by Whitney. Dog the Bounty Hunter was taken off the air indefinitely for using the N word. Now I, don't agree with the radical racial statements that were made but I have some important information that may exonerate the Chapman family. On the week of Halloween the Chapmans spent a considerable amount of time with their long time African American friend, Oprah. She handed out money, gave away cars, and seemed to be of good cheer in their presence. Hopefully Dog didn't mean the things that he said and is learning to be more tolerant, but we must also note that the Chapmans spent a very important holiday with a very important Black woman. Mahalo!

Sweet Jeezis!

2007-11-24T18:56:00.000-08:00

Marcy is going wild and transforming her house into the North Pole. This year a new nativity scene is making it's debut and there is someone very special I would like all of you to meet. Big Baby Jesus. I didn't know that he slept in the manger until he was 23. Other things you may not have known: the manger scene guest list included an armadillo, giant grasshopper, and a killer rooster.

Traffic School

2007-11-21T19:10:00.000-08:00

I got a speeding ticket a few weeks ago and the very cutting edge city of Lehi has an online program for traffic school. I'm taking it right now and it is driving me nuts.

Highlights:

The pictures above are ones that I have been copying and pasting as I go. I have never seen ANY of these signs, but I hope to and apparently they are ones that we as drivers should be looking out for.

There is a maximum and minimum time for each page of reading. I read a tad faster than the average Lehi speedster and find myself staring at the screen and waiting for the "Continue" button to appear.

I had to take one of the quizzes four times because I kept getting the answer wrong.

Select the correct answer.

Tailgating:
Adds to the happy, friendly feeling other motorists will have for you.
Exponentially increases your chances of causing an accident.
Is stupid.
Will take several minutes off your travel time.
None of the above

Correct answer, no joke: Tailgating is stupid. I should really pay more attention the reading if I want to come out a more cautious driver.

Laughing all the way

2007-11-20T20:17:00.000-08:00

I don't mean to steal Thanksgiving's thunder but I If you like holiday cheer, and awesome, and dance parties I highly recommend that you brace yourself and CLICK HERE. If you do not like holiday cheer, and awesome, and dance parties you should click above because I blogged so.

Confession

2007-11-15T20:19:00.001-08:00

At the request of my sister, Amanda, I am going to share one of my deepest darkest secrets. A long long time ago when I was a wee lad I so enjoyed going to the movies to see the latest Disney Animated Classic. One of my favorites was Aladdin. I LOVED IT. I wanted to be him. I wanted to be him so much that I would think of ways that I could get my hands on a monkey and name it Abu. I couldn't wait until we had the technology or magic to have actual flying carpets. And I don't doubt that I even tried inventing a few on my own. 1992 was a magical year. My Grandma Karen even gave me Roller Blades for my birthday, they were all the rage at the time. I was even lucky enough to own and operate a Sony Walkman... the kind that played tapes. Everyday I would rush home from school, slap on my Roller Blades, put my Aladdin soundtrack in the tape player and hit the streets. A little silly, I know. But the truth is even better. I was really practicing for Aladdin on Ice. Everyday I would practice going backwards, doings twits, and skating on one leg. I was sure that with enough practice and determination the director would one day happen to drive down my street in his Porsche and see me skating. The breaks on his red 911 would come to a screeching halt as he was mesmerized by my moves. In my mind he wasn't a Dateline child predator, but if he were I could out skate his car. He would step out of his car, take another puff of his cigar and say, "Man, that kid's got talent." He would sign me on to skate as Aladdin, of course. I would travel the world, which at the time was shining shimmering and splendid. And that is how my wildest dreams were going to come true. That is really how I imagined it. Exactly how I imagined it. Oh, in 1992 I was in the 5th grade. I'm pretty sure that is too old for an Aladdin obsession, but in my defense I did know what a Porsche 911 was.

Public Service Announcement

2007-10-16T16:35:00.000-07:00

I have something to share with all y'all. It is a trick that I use all the time, but I often neglect to share this secret with others.

Google text. Does everyone know about this? Because you should. You can get everything from restaurant locations to movie times to definitions of words that you don't understand.

Here is how it works.

For restaurants, businesses, etc.

Text: restaurant. city, state

restaurant. zip code

then send to GOOGL (46645)

Magically you get the address and phone number texted back to you.

For definitions of words you may not know

Text: D. floozie

D. mystery word

send to GOOGL (46645)

Bling-a-ling! You have a text. It says:

Glossary:

floozie: streetwalker: a prostitute who attracts customers by walking the streets

Source:

worldnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

Genius right? You should use it, the reasons are five-fold.

1) It is a cinch.

2) It is free. (Just your standard text messaging rate, but I think most people have unlimited now).

3) It is super fast. Usually under 2 seconds wait time.

4) You will have a wealth of knowledge at your fingertips at all times.

5) It is the technological equivalent of an ancient-Chinese-cure-all-remedy.

In other news...

2007-10-16T00:53:00.000-07:00

Is Stephen Glass at it again? Today CNN reported on a woman named Kelly Lynch.

Hanged witch in Massachusetts sparks allegation of 'hate crime'

In the state made famous for persecuting witches in the late 17th century, a modern day sorceress in Massachusetts is burning mad about a neighbor's Halloween decoration depicting a witch hanging from a noose, calling it a hate crime against her religion.

"I want to see him take it down," said Kelly Lynch of Chicopee, Mass. "Look at what's going on in Louisiana. That would be the same thing. If a black family had ... crosses outside of their house or nooses hanging from their trees, it's basically the same thing."
The witch is hanging from wooden gallows in front of a home on East Street, but Lynch finds the decor offensive.

She told WSHM-TV she's been studying witchcraft since she was a child, and says it's her way of life.
"We're not casting spells against people, we're just worshipping the moon, the goddess, the Earth," she said. "Just like the Christians, Muslims, people have their own religion."

When Lynch saw the lifelike witch hanging in effigy in a neighbor's front yard, she went to his door to confront him.
"He told me that people should lighten up, and that it's a Halloween decoration. You know, to hang a witch from a real gallows and to have that as your only Halloween decoration, is kind of odd."
But the homeowner reportedly is not caving in. His neighbor, Kevin Belder, says he has every intention of keeping it up.
"He shouldn't take it down 'cause one person got offended or a lot of people got offended," Belder said. "I think it's funny."
If the owner doesn't remove the witch from its noose by Halloween, Lynch says she plans to protest outside his home, adding it's not only a hate crime against her religion, but offensive to the entire community.
"Why depict a violent death in your front yard for little kids to see?"
Between February 1692 and May 1693, more than 150 people in the British colony of Massachusetts were arrested and imprisoned for alleged engagement in witchcraft. Courts convicted 29 people of the capital felony of witchcraft, with 14 women and five men executed by hanging.
The King James Version of the Bible recounts an Old Testament direction to put witches to death, stating, "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." (Exodus 22:18)

This is either the greatest news story (read hate crime) ever stumbled upon by reporters or Dr. Seuss hit God in the head with a rock and started writing the story. Lynch the Witch lives in Massachusetts. Shouldn't she have other resources at her disposal?

You look like a terrorist, and you smell like one too!

2007-10-03T16:28:00.000-07:00

I use to have this job, designing news graphics. I wonder if people scrutinized my work the same way. LOL. Makes me laugh at some of the decisions that I probably made while I worked for Chanel 2. Like the time that I posted a picture of Omar Sharif, the actor, and the story was about Sharif Omar, the terrorist. In half of his movies he is in the desert wearing a Turban and I am no connoisseur of the golden age of film. The director and everyone else on the dance floor (err, news room floor) was freaking out, telling me the station could be sued for at least 2 million dollars. In retrospect I should have been making far more money if I had the ability to make 2 million dollar mistakes. I hope my next job will pay me 2 million dollars. As a signing bonus, preferably.

Interviews

2007-10-03T15:59:00.000-07:00

Interviews are almost always ridiculous. In my experience, people I have interviewed with are usually more nervous than I am. Nonetheless, I hate them. Which is why I have been avoiding them and the great job search as much as I possibly can. But I like nice things and nice things require lots of nice money. So the search is about to get more intense and I need your help. What are the questions that they ask? And how can you be honest without sounding like an idiot? Example: "What is your biggest weakness?" They ask this 90% of the time. Why would I want to tell this to a potential employer? "Umm, I'm inherently lazy and I'd rather be spending my time sitting around and watching The Hills?" I'm pretty sure everyone says that they are a perfectionist and I'm pretty sure that the interviewer believes that about as much as I do. Do they want to hire a liar? So, I guess I'm looking for better answers. Ideas?

Mr. Greening

2007-09-27T21:34:00.000-07:00

In general, I really liked school but at Forbes Elementary Mr. Greening made me want to go run the nurse's office and fake sick. He was always screaming, always mad, always red in the face. So I was pleased to hear that he had passed away. I hope he applied sunscreen because it is going to be hot on the other side.

I never understood why he got so angry the time my friend and I drew marker mustaches on ourselves. The rest of the class was laughing. I remember his wobbly old green office chair that he would lean so far back in that it would nearly touch the ground. Everyday I would pray that it would fall over so he would crack his head open. He was also a racist. As a social studies teacher, probably not the best quality. He freely used the N word in class. This was in the 1990's, not the 1890's. One day one of my black friends was so upset, he faked sick and went home so he didn't have to hear it anymore. I think that is why I hate him most.

He was also a liar. He said he was born on February 29 of a leap year, which is why I always thought he was so bitter. So few birthday parties and he had a twin that he had to share these vary rare celebrations with. Not true, according to his obituary. However, I do particularly love this part of Mr. Greening's online obituary, "He loved ass sports, campint, fishing, huntine, but he especially loved golf." Yes, in Utah County we pronounce huntine (hunting) and moun'un (mountain) but ass sports?

Limetastic Ladies!

2007-09-25T16:27:00.000-07:00

I love alliteration. And I love even more when you see something in real life that makes you think that you just fell into a Dr. Seuss book. Yesterday I was having my own Sunday Fun Day in Park City when I turned the corner and saw two Lumberjack Lesbians disguised as Lipstick Lesbians. Both wearing a shade of lime green that is the brightness equivalent of hunter orange. Both lovely. Both made my day. Then they both hopped into their lime green Saab. Do they always wear lime green? Or do they have a car that matches every color that they wear? Are they paid advertisements for Sprite's new subLYMONal advertising campaign, or are they from the future? Either way, it is genius and it made me want to have a lesbian lover when I grow up. I really wish I were quicker on my thumbs and knew how to work my camera phone so you could get the real picture of this. Have you ever seen anything so great? I haven't.

Retirement Living

2007-09-19T17:54:00.000-07:00

Some friends gave me a t-shirt that says "Napping, it's my day job" and I got to thinking I'll just retire early, like now. Seriously, it doesn't sound like a bad deal and I'm sure I could find plenty to do with my time. First, I could finally get that Jazzy Scooter* that I've always wanted. My mom would never let me play on them at the grocery store, but I would have my own and I'd take it everywhere with me. I'd wear my velour suit with pride, maybe a World War 2 hat and tell people crazy stories. I could spew socially inappropriate things and tell someone when they look fat or gaunt, and no one can be offended. Or maybe they are, but at least they would laugh at my off colored jokes most of the time. Like when my Granny-Granny told me she smelled "like a damn Mexican" because she'd been eating chips and salsa. (Yes she is also the one who says that I look gaunt and gives my sister clothes because they are "much too large" for herself.)

A typical day would consist of:
Golfing
Mall Walking with fellow retirees
Picking up my prescriptions
Scouring the park with my metal detector
A little Home Shopping Network, adding to my rare collectible coin collection.

I would definitely take advantage of the youth in my neighborhood. They could cut my grass and rake my leaves and I would let them call it service work. Don't worry, I'd let them know that I am appreciative to their slave labor by carrying around gum and quarters that I would hand out. Pretending like I think that a quarter is still a lot of money, of course. Maybe I have senior citizen and retiree confused, but I still want to cruise around town on a Jazzy Scooter and wear gigantic sunglasses.

*Please note the name of the man pictured mid-article. He is totally teaching me how to do that.

All Dogs Go To Heaven

2007-09-05T20:12:00.000-07:00

I love the Lone Peak Press and their journalistic integrity to only bring us the hard hitting news of Highland, Alpine & Cedar Hills. If it isn't the Cox/Dickson Wedding or an article about the Husband and Wife Intimacy Center that just opened then it is this: a canine clergyman. No really, he officiates weddings in Highland and you too can have your pets' nuptials officiated by the illustrious Reverend Tyker. If you are interested, please visit his website and you MUST SEND ME AN INVITE!!! Apparently anyone can become a minister online with a little help from The Universal Life Church. Even dogs. If you so choose to take this calling of ministry in life please heed the advise and warnings posted on their website, my favorite:

"Please only ordain others with their permission. This includes public figures as well as cartoon and other fictional characters."

This is serious business that could be met with some confusion at the pearly .com gates as I once had a seminary teacher and a dog named Charlie Brown.

$$$ Money is so fun! $$$

2007-08-22T20:32:00.000-07:00

So, I am still trying to get use to this whole blog thing. My life is pretty lame, so I just collect funny things that I find on the ground and put them in a pile and I'll eventually post them. In the mean time I took this lenghy waste of time quiz. Maybe I was lookinng for validation, like when you read a horiscope and you don't really believe it but you feel better if it says good things will happen to you. I think I'm worth more, and I'd probably cost my owner more in upkeep so beware. I'm very expensive.
I am worth $3,484,290 on HumanForSale.com
How much are you worth?

Treasure $#*%!

2007-08-06T21:40:00.000-07:00

I found this treasure on the ground today outside the Salt Lake City Public Library. Why are there always so many crazies there? I even saw a man inside with a cigar in his mouth. Wasn't lit, but he was still walking around with it in his mouth. This card makes me laugh. I am so going to make copies of this and start handing them out to people at random. I'll probably go to hell for being amused by it. And if I do, I'm sure Satan and I will will have a grand time drinking Jack and Coke by the fire.

Attention Citizens! Consider Yourselves Warned

2007-08-01T22:09:00.000-07:00

I went out for my usual late night snack because I couldn't resist the thought of stuffing my face with something from Wendy's Super Value Menu to go along with my Frosty Dairy Desert. I thought' "Oh a Caesar Salad sounds nice, it won't make me feel like I ate ten pounds of butter." Then I ordered it, got home, stared at it and for no particular reason started scanning the ingredients on the Caesar dressing package. Did you know that there are ANCHOVIES! in Caesar dressing? Yes, those disgusting little creatures that we always see on Pizza in movies and thought we would never eat. No gives, No Thank you, No Gracias! Well I have news for you, most of us have probably eaten ANCHOVIES! I bet there are vegetarians out there who don't even know this. I hope they don't burst into flames upon reading this, but it is the truth. And possibly an act of terrorism, because I am terrified of what else I may be eating unknowingly. Shouldn't the packaging have a giant red call-out on the front that says, I dunno, "This product contains ANCHOVIES!"??? So please if you want to stop this kind of ludicrous behavior write to your senator, go to town meetings, stand together and unite to make sure that we are properly warned about this type of thing. Let Erin Brockovitch be your example. When she found ANCHOVIES! (or something probably similar) in the water, she did something about it. Also, my apologies go out to my sister, Amanda, for all the years that we fed her Tuna Fish and told her that it was Chicken.
In other strange food news take this survey. Kinda freaks me out. I got most of the answers wrong because my motto is, "When in doubt, throw it out!" Don't worry citizens, I found the greatest invention. It smells your food to tell you if it is still fresh. I am so investing in one of these. I will be the envy of every Martha Stewart of the future.

Popping my BLOG cherry

2007-07-27T12:42:00.000-07:00

BLOG. What a funny word. If Blog were a person, his name would fit in well with Clyde and Clod and Fred. They would probably play four-square together, tell non-funny jokes in science class, and be picked on by their peers. Hopefully this blog will have more sex-appeal than his name would suggest and he will rise to be the coolest kid around.

I'm starting this purely out of boredom while I pretend to "work", that and to keep the paparazzi at bay by keeping the public aware of my every move and thought. My life is SO interesting. If celebrities are just like me, then I suppose that I am just like them. We both wear designer jeans and order take-out. SAME.

I wanted the name of my blog to be zacharoo or sharky. Sadly both were taken by less ambitious bloggers. This blog may have the same fate with a single entry, but keep your fingers crossed for at least 10 laughable entries. In a shocking act of fate my middle name was an available option. Dukepoo.blogspot.com Yes, ladies, gentleman, hermaphrodites, and non-gendered people alike, that is my real-life middle name. It is Hopi, as in the Native American Tribe. Legend has it I started life as a feral child only to be taken in my Hopi Indians some time later. I spent my years on Arizona's Mohave Indian Reservation cultivating my artistic sand painting, hunting, and rain dancing skills. As a former feral child, I was never able to justify hunting and the Tribe eventually decided it was my time to leave. They sold me to Rick and Marcy in exchange for a dead bald eagle that Rick "found" on a road trip to Arizona. I'm sure they made it into an amazing headdress and the Albrechts called this exchange an adoption. To honor my heritage they kept Dukepoo (pronounced duke-uh-poo) as my middle name. Don't worry, I've heard all the jokes and they are about as hilarious and clever as a 2nd grade comedian telling bathroom jokes. Dukepoo really means medicine bag. It is the prized posession of the healer of the tribe. I generally tell people that it means healer of the tribe because I want to keep my secret remedies and drugs to myself as not to reveal all of the sacred Hopi rituals to the world. Well blog, you shall be known by the name of Dukepoo. Please remember to always be awesome, entertaining, and funny... but not the kind of funny like watching a drunk Indian dance around a camp fire. You might get burnt.